Salmonella

Or E. coli.  Perhaps even Ebola if that can be contracted from food.

I signed up for a Colombian cooking class where we were to start off at an open market, try tropical fruits, and pick out the ingredients to make our lunch.  Doesn’t that sound cool??  Well, that’s what I thought too.  We started with breakfast.

 

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Arepas con juevos (i.e. fried stuff with eggs and meat – all that is good and pure in the world)

 

We also had some juices/smoothies (they called them juices; I called them smoothies) made from tree tomatoes (look like small mangoes) and something else of which I forgot the name.  I do know it looked like a potato though (no, not jicama).  It tasted like shit, for the record.  But the tree tomatoes were deeee-licious!!  Also, this should have been my first clue that germs weren’t revered – we all shared these juices/smoothies.  Nothing introduces you to people like sipping their backwash.

Anyway, at this point we started touring the market to taste the fruits.  [Note:  never wear flip flops to a South American market – just take my word for it.]  I didn’t take pictures of most of the carnage (literally) because according to our guides, camera phones get swiped like credit cards (heyyyyooooo), and also because most of the time my face looked like this:

 

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I’ve always worn my emotions on my face (also, no, that’s not me; it’s a picture I found on the Google)

But here are two clean pictures that were interesting!  Dried beans and dried herbs/other crap that help holistically heal all the ailments that you will surely sustain in the rest of the market.

 

Now it’s time to start tasting the fruits.  The first thing I saw was a guy using his fingers to scoop raspberries in some sort of liquid into bags.  We are talking invasive scooping.  Then I saw him lick his finger.  I was glad we didn’t try those berries.  We did, however, try some stuff that required a knife pulled out of the guide’s purse.  Yes, there were flies, and no, there was not washing.  I also don’t like people touching my food before I eat it, so I was having a real germophobe nightmare (seeing someone dig through jelly-fied tamarind without washing their hands and try to feed it to me turns my stomach).  Then there was the booth where we tried 3 different mangoes where there was a man sitting on the table with his bare feet touching the produce.  Regardless, I survived (SO GRATEFUL FOR NOT GETTING SICK).

Now we pick out fish.

 

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Really cool display, no?  At second glance, you’ll notice that those fish are not on ice.  And it is almost 100 degrees with the heat index.  (I won’t get started on the smell near the meat and fish stands…I just can’t.)

 

At this point I was actively looking for a way out of eating this meal.  I’m sure most people would be fine, but I didn’t want to take the chance.  When you’re used to a very high level of food and water standard for cleanliness, your system has a hard time adjusting.  I’d rather just go to KFC (yep, I saw them there…why the world love for KFC??) and be not sick.  I decided to heave ho when we hit this place where they were washing fish juice off the tables with dirty bowls of water (again, forgo the flip flops):

 

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Way more disgusting in person, trust me

 

Finally we left this place (the sweat dripping down my back was grateful!) to head to the guides’ house to cook up all this spoiled goodness.  The entire ride I was poring over how to get out of this.  Long story short, my out came when one of the guides asked me for help essentially shucking coconuts.  I told him this would not end well, except it ended in the best possible way for me – I sliced my hand!!  YESSSSSS, done!  Another telling sign of “don’t eat here” was that no one seemed to be concerned that I was bleeding near the food (I removed my hand immediately – I’ve seen enough Top Chef and Chopped to know how to properly handle blood in the kitchen).  One of the guides rushed to get me bandages, but he unfortunately touched them with fingers covered in fish juice, having just taken it out of the bag (his wife and one of the students tasted the water in which the raw fish was soaking.  I am not joking).  Now is time to tap out, because “blood makes me squeamish.”  (For the record, it doesn’t, but all the other stuff did fo’ sure.)

The guide drove me back to the hotel (he and his wife were really very lovely and welcoming people – I felt badly that I failed them), from where I went in search of Colombian Neosporin.

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While I was waiting for the pharmacist to pull it off the shelf, I also got in touch with the 13-year-old me:

 

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I wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that I was taking this pictures.  Hahahahahahahaha

 

Once back at my hotel, I tried a whole different type of dumpling!  I have now learned that I don’t think I’ll ever meet a dumpling I don’t like.

 

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Just, yes.

 

And winding down the day, as those suckers in the class were sick with food poisoning, I was reading a magazine on the roofdeck next to the pool.

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I don’t regret this experience, because it was certainly authentic (also, I’ve been to other markets outside of the US and Europe, so this isn’t me being a sheltered dickbag).  This is just something that wasn’t for someone who has had food poisoning 3 times and very much wishes to avoid it again.  It was really interesting to see the market, but I just couldn’t eat there.

 

3 thoughts on “Salmonella”

  1. Truly awesome post. Very entertainingly described. And good judgment exercised throughout – way to take one for the (digestive system) team. Question: Were the Cialis and “Vigradina” available OTC (as it appears), and I wonder what’s better, the 5 mg or the 20 mg? Oh . . . and happy birthday today.

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  2. Oh Sara your descriptions made me feel like I was there too! I was laughing so hard my stomach hurts . I think I need an extra GNC probiotic packet . You poor girl! The pictures were hilarious. Very happy you didn’t get sick and here I was worrying about drug dealers and human traffickers taking beautiful Sara away~~~~ silly me .

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  3. Love your comment, Cindy, about probiotics!!! Sara, you should write a book..you make me feel like I was there,too , as Cindy stated…BUT to hear you tell your stories, is like Comedy Central.. your delivery and timing..perfect! Stand up comedy is something you should look into🤣🤣🤣

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